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For the first time since I can remember, I am not surrounded by the trappings of Christmas: a beautifully decorated tree, cards from friends, crazy quantities of food to feed family and friends, and so on. You see, in late February my position was eliminated due to the economic downturn. Shortly thereafter my wife filed for divorce, as she wanted to ensure that our kids could get what they needed (from the state of Michigan) in case work was hard to find. We had been separated by 4 states for 8 months at that point, and we both knew that “we” were over and that it was the best thing to do for our kids. The divorce was final in mid-November, 4 days after I got evicted from our former family home due to foreclosure. I did not become the first in my family to graduate from college or go on to get a doctorate degree for all of these things to happen. But happen they did.
So, I could sit here, living with a friend, and be angry at the world and all of the people running the country and the banks and the companies that haven’t hired me, but I am not. I cannot sit here and be filled with anger. I have too much to be thankful for…
I have 5 children who understand enough of what is going on to know that I have not seen them since June because money is that tight. Their mom has kept some of the details from them, but they know that I am not staying away through my own choice. They know that I love them! And I am grateful for that…
I have had two sets of friends who have taken me in until my job hunt comes to resolution. I have not had to live in my car, or a tent, or a cardboard box. And I am grateful for that…
I have been able to send the majority of my unemployment funds to my family to keep a roof over their heads, food on the table and gas in the family car, and still keep enough for food and gas for my van. I do not eat like I used to, but that is a matter of choice. And I am grateful for that….
I have had the time to sort out my life as a spouse and father, and have come to understand my role in the train wreck that was my family life. I now know why I was myself at the office and turned into Mr. Hyde on the way home. I am not proud of what I have done. I should have known better. I now do. And I have forgiven myself. And I am grateful for that…
I have been blessed to find a website that has helped me to become more healthy physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and it is www.transformation.com (screen name NCDrJCN). I feel like myself again, even in the midst of all of the chaos that has descended upon me. I am taking care of myself, eating sensibly, exercising regularly, thinking outside of the box, looking for new comfort zones, and am optimistic that I will find a way to make a contribution on our world. And I am grateful for that…
I have applied for countless jobs, and have had some interviews which have not led to jobs. I continue to look for opportunities to use my skills in a constructive manner. And I know the right opportunity is out there, because it has been out there before. And I currently have an opportunity that would move me about 100 miles from my kids. And I am grateful for that…
Finally, I live in a country where people continue to strive to pick themselves up out of the ashes and make a difference. Our country was built on hope: the hope that we could build a better life than we had in the past; the hope that our children, and their children, would have things easier than we did; the hope that we could find a way to bring peace and harmony to all of the world; the hope that each one of us can find a way to give a piece of ourselves to the common good. I continue to have hope, for my country, for my children, and for myself. And I am grateful for that…
As you go through the motions this holiday season, keep in mind that no matter how many gifts are under the tree this year and no matter how much traveling you are able to do, there are people who have fallen pretty far from where they used to be: people have lost jobs, and homes, and families, and loved ones. And even though they have lost all of that, they still have hope…they are clinging to the hope that they will have a meaningful life very soon…and that they can make a difference in the lives of those they love and those they care about. And I am grateful for that…
Happy Holidays to all!!!
Julius
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Book Review, Part II: “ReBoot: My Five Life-Changing Mistakes…and How I Moved On”
To properly set the stage for this post I suggest that you scroll down to the previous post and give it a read. Thanks, JCN
“I became suspended in a strange, numbing nothingness. I didn’t feel anything…I realized my numbness was masking anger. I could explode with little or no provocation…I was angry at everything I was and all that I would ever be…I saw myself as a different version of my mother…I was trapped.”
Many people believe that all anger is a response to a situation that is fermenting in our minds, lingering with no solution that we can implement. And many of us saw anger in our childhoods, not necessarily directed at us, but outwardly visible in some form. One of my most vivid childhood memories is my mother repeatedly smashing the phone receiver into the metal hook of our wall mounted phone because my father was still at a bar and not where he should have been. I remember walking up to the phone when she was done and seeing the metal bent so much that the phone could no longer hang on it.
All too often, when life deals us a bad hand, our subconscious mind takes over and pulls out the lessons of our childhood. Many of those lessons are the ones we are ashamed of, and desperately wish that we could erase from our memory. But selective brainwashing is not an option. The work of reprogramming our subconscious mind is difficult. It requires a lot of focus by the conscious mind, knowing that there is a better state for us to be in. For me the path away from anger involves mentally moving to a place where my mind is not stressed out and can operate out of love and not react out of that subconscious memory. Often easier said than done.
“So, I start writing about my real mistakes. Not my business mistakes, but my LIFE mistakes. I allowed others to define me. I built my image of myself on two main supporting pillars (smart and married). I stopped believing in myself. I stopped taking care of myself. Allowing my head to rule my heart.”
Selfish. An often misunderstood word. But I now understand it very well. Michael Losier teaches its meaning as “self care,” doing the things necessary for me so that I can do everything else I have committed to do. When I read the five mistakes Julie has outlined above, I hear someone who was trying to appease others, who held other people’s opinion of what she needed to do in higher regard than her own opinion, who in trying to be everything to everyone forgot to be who she really was. Unfortunately, Julie Wainwright is not the only person to fall into this trap.
We are hardly out of the womb when we begin to hear the opinions of those we encounter, some welcomed, some not. And as children the opinions of adults mean everything to us because we do not know any better. And many of us wind up with a pretty well installed version of “People Pleasing,” where we do things to make others happy, to make others proud, to make others give us nice presents, etc. We learn to please everyone we encounter. Except us. We never learn where to draw the line. We never learn how to recognize that we are giving up some of the precious stuff that makes us, well, us. We move so far in becoming one with our jobs or one with our significant other that we lose sight of who we are. And it often takes life changing events, like job loss, divorce, becoming widowed, etc. for us to learn the bitter truth: we MUST find ways to love ourselves more; to get in touch with our own hearts and minds and become whole. To be selfish.
“I had failures and successes in the past. If I really looked at things truthfully, I had more successes than failures. I had acted honorably toward the Pets.com employees and the shareholders, but I hadn’t treated myself with the same kindness.”
Julie realized that we need to be kind to ourselves, as well as those we serve. It isn’t simply a matter of doing the right thing. It is sort of like the old oil filter commercial: “You can pay me now or you can pay me later!” If we treat ourselves with proper kindness on a regular basis, then we can keep every ball in our court in play. If we allow no time for “selfishness” then we are listening to all those around us tell us which ball to play next. Chaos reigns, and the subconscious mind kicks in. And our old friend anger is right around the corner, frequently directed at those we love. Or inward…
“I had a choice: go along with someone else’s perception of the world or get on with creating my own world. I really wanted to heal my own wounds and start living again, so I made a conscious decision to separate my wounds from everyone else’s…when I started to pay close attention to that tenet and I did so from a place of love, not fear, all that negativity lost its power. As far as I can tell, negativity needs energy, a reaction, to feed it.”
This is such a powerful concept! “Negativity needs energy to feed it!” Julie eloquently relates fear to negativity, so we can say that fear also needs energy to feed it. And she teaches that love is the one thing that takes power away from both fear and negativity. This is so simple!!! But again, when we are focused outwardly, we never give our own hearts enough time with love’s healing energy.
“I held tightly onto those two adjectives, smart and married, as a measurement of personal worth that left no room for me to just be a person who accepted my own humanness. And when I couldn’t use those adjectives to describe myself I became, in my mind, worthless. I never held anyone else to these standards, since I knew they were external measurements, but I didn’t have the same compassion for myself.”
I cannot add anything more of substance to these statements. If you have read this far, you can either apply this to yourself or someone you hold very dear to your heart. Maybe when we begin to feel like we are letting ourselves down we need to examine our standards for ourselves and check them against our current reality. Most of us will see that we are doing just fine!!!
“I realized that all those who truly loved me didn’t care if I was uber successful, and they certainly did not want to see me in an unsatisfying marriage. Their love wasn’t conditional…I began to feel truly secure simply by being myself and really enjoying life.”
Again, there is so much power in these words! Unconditional love is powerful stuff! It can heal any wound. This is the reason that Marianne Williamson tours the world preaching love’s great benefit for the world! Remember to feel some love the next time you look into a mirror!!!
“The most prominent goals were focused on me being successful in every part of my life: physical, emotional and spiritual…I showed myself climbing the proverbial ladder and once again reaching for the stars.”
There is a very important concept here that many self-help programs do not pay respect to. Particularly as we approach middle age, personal fulfillment consists of finding ourselves physically, mentally and spiritually. Any one itself may be good, and any two may benefit the individual, but it is only when we work on all three aspects of life that we maximize our contribution to the world and to future generations. When we “find” ourselves physically, emotionally AND spiritually we set the stage of reaching for the stars and manifesting all of the goodness that God gives to each of us the day that we are born. As an example, Bill Phillips’ Transformation site (www.transformation.com) asks the individual to work all three areas of being so that they can “be the change!” Check it out! My screen name is NCDrJCN.
“Doing things that filled my heart with love and learning to trust myself enough to follow my heart…those were the key…I had to learn to let go of fear. It meant learning to trust myself, my spirit and something greater than me, which connects us all.”
I believe that it can be difficult to allow our hearts to guide us because few of us get that type of guidance as we grow up. We are taught that education and pure knowledge are the keys to success, and our fast paced, entertainment driven society certainly seems to reward knowledge. It is only when life slows down a little that we allow ourselves to listen to our gut, that “feeling” we have that one thing or the other is the right way to go. Previous generations had the benefit of fewer entertainment options and a slower pace to life. There was a lot of wisdom passed down on the front porch, watching people pass by as grandparents told the stories of their youth and discussed current events with their experienced opinions. How does that generational wisdom, or love, get passed down today? We are moving too fast to care!
“ ‘When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.’ “
If there is a single lesson in this book that should be passed on to future generations, it is the one above. Look with you in mind! Look for a way to share joy, and goodness, and love. You may find yourself looking in some new places, or just from a different point of view!
The next time you are faced with a critical decision, consider consulting your heart as well as your mind. It is the merger of the two where the better answer can be found. And usually one that allows you to consider yourself in the solution.
Until Next Time,
Julius
“I became suspended in a strange, numbing nothingness. I didn’t feel anything…I realized my numbness was masking anger. I could explode with little or no provocation…I was angry at everything I was and all that I would ever be…I saw myself as a different version of my mother…I was trapped.”
Many people believe that all anger is a response to a situation that is fermenting in our minds, lingering with no solution that we can implement. And many of us saw anger in our childhoods, not necessarily directed at us, but outwardly visible in some form. One of my most vivid childhood memories is my mother repeatedly smashing the phone receiver into the metal hook of our wall mounted phone because my father was still at a bar and not where he should have been. I remember walking up to the phone when she was done and seeing the metal bent so much that the phone could no longer hang on it.
All too often, when life deals us a bad hand, our subconscious mind takes over and pulls out the lessons of our childhood. Many of those lessons are the ones we are ashamed of, and desperately wish that we could erase from our memory. But selective brainwashing is not an option. The work of reprogramming our subconscious mind is difficult. It requires a lot of focus by the conscious mind, knowing that there is a better state for us to be in. For me the path away from anger involves mentally moving to a place where my mind is not stressed out and can operate out of love and not react out of that subconscious memory. Often easier said than done.
“So, I start writing about my real mistakes. Not my business mistakes, but my LIFE mistakes. I allowed others to define me. I built my image of myself on two main supporting pillars (smart and married). I stopped believing in myself. I stopped taking care of myself. Allowing my head to rule my heart.”
Selfish. An often misunderstood word. But I now understand it very well. Michael Losier teaches its meaning as “self care,” doing the things necessary for me so that I can do everything else I have committed to do. When I read the five mistakes Julie has outlined above, I hear someone who was trying to appease others, who held other people’s opinion of what she needed to do in higher regard than her own opinion, who in trying to be everything to everyone forgot to be who she really was. Unfortunately, Julie Wainwright is not the only person to fall into this trap.
We are hardly out of the womb when we begin to hear the opinions of those we encounter, some welcomed, some not. And as children the opinions of adults mean everything to us because we do not know any better. And many of us wind up with a pretty well installed version of “People Pleasing,” where we do things to make others happy, to make others proud, to make others give us nice presents, etc. We learn to please everyone we encounter. Except us. We never learn where to draw the line. We never learn how to recognize that we are giving up some of the precious stuff that makes us, well, us. We move so far in becoming one with our jobs or one with our significant other that we lose sight of who we are. And it often takes life changing events, like job loss, divorce, becoming widowed, etc. for us to learn the bitter truth: we MUST find ways to love ourselves more; to get in touch with our own hearts and minds and become whole. To be selfish.
“I had failures and successes in the past. If I really looked at things truthfully, I had more successes than failures. I had acted honorably toward the Pets.com employees and the shareholders, but I hadn’t treated myself with the same kindness.”
Julie realized that we need to be kind to ourselves, as well as those we serve. It isn’t simply a matter of doing the right thing. It is sort of like the old oil filter commercial: “You can pay me now or you can pay me later!” If we treat ourselves with proper kindness on a regular basis, then we can keep every ball in our court in play. If we allow no time for “selfishness” then we are listening to all those around us tell us which ball to play next. Chaos reigns, and the subconscious mind kicks in. And our old friend anger is right around the corner, frequently directed at those we love. Or inward…
“I had a choice: go along with someone else’s perception of the world or get on with creating my own world. I really wanted to heal my own wounds and start living again, so I made a conscious decision to separate my wounds from everyone else’s…when I started to pay close attention to that tenet and I did so from a place of love, not fear, all that negativity lost its power. As far as I can tell, negativity needs energy, a reaction, to feed it.”
This is such a powerful concept! “Negativity needs energy to feed it!” Julie eloquently relates fear to negativity, so we can say that fear also needs energy to feed it. And she teaches that love is the one thing that takes power away from both fear and negativity. This is so simple!!! But again, when we are focused outwardly, we never give our own hearts enough time with love’s healing energy.
“I held tightly onto those two adjectives, smart and married, as a measurement of personal worth that left no room for me to just be a person who accepted my own humanness. And when I couldn’t use those adjectives to describe myself I became, in my mind, worthless. I never held anyone else to these standards, since I knew they were external measurements, but I didn’t have the same compassion for myself.”
I cannot add anything more of substance to these statements. If you have read this far, you can either apply this to yourself or someone you hold very dear to your heart. Maybe when we begin to feel like we are letting ourselves down we need to examine our standards for ourselves and check them against our current reality. Most of us will see that we are doing just fine!!!
“I realized that all those who truly loved me didn’t care if I was uber successful, and they certainly did not want to see me in an unsatisfying marriage. Their love wasn’t conditional…I began to feel truly secure simply by being myself and really enjoying life.”
Again, there is so much power in these words! Unconditional love is powerful stuff! It can heal any wound. This is the reason that Marianne Williamson tours the world preaching love’s great benefit for the world! Remember to feel some love the next time you look into a mirror!!!
“The most prominent goals were focused on me being successful in every part of my life: physical, emotional and spiritual…I showed myself climbing the proverbial ladder and once again reaching for the stars.”
There is a very important concept here that many self-help programs do not pay respect to. Particularly as we approach middle age, personal fulfillment consists of finding ourselves physically, mentally and spiritually. Any one itself may be good, and any two may benefit the individual, but it is only when we work on all three aspects of life that we maximize our contribution to the world and to future generations. When we “find” ourselves physically, emotionally AND spiritually we set the stage of reaching for the stars and manifesting all of the goodness that God gives to each of us the day that we are born. As an example, Bill Phillips’ Transformation site (www.transformation.com) asks the individual to work all three areas of being so that they can “be the change!” Check it out! My screen name is NCDrJCN.
“Doing things that filled my heart with love and learning to trust myself enough to follow my heart…those were the key…I had to learn to let go of fear. It meant learning to trust myself, my spirit and something greater than me, which connects us all.”
I believe that it can be difficult to allow our hearts to guide us because few of us get that type of guidance as we grow up. We are taught that education and pure knowledge are the keys to success, and our fast paced, entertainment driven society certainly seems to reward knowledge. It is only when life slows down a little that we allow ourselves to listen to our gut, that “feeling” we have that one thing or the other is the right way to go. Previous generations had the benefit of fewer entertainment options and a slower pace to life. There was a lot of wisdom passed down on the front porch, watching people pass by as grandparents told the stories of their youth and discussed current events with their experienced opinions. How does that generational wisdom, or love, get passed down today? We are moving too fast to care!
“ ‘When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.’ “
If there is a single lesson in this book that should be passed on to future generations, it is the one above. Look with you in mind! Look for a way to share joy, and goodness, and love. You may find yourself looking in some new places, or just from a different point of view!
The next time you are faced with a critical decision, consider consulting your heart as well as your mind. It is the merger of the two where the better answer can be found. And usually one that allows you to consider yourself in the solution.
Until Next Time,
Julius
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Book Review, Part I: “ReBoot: My Five Life-Changing Mistakes…and How I Moved On”
AUTHORS of Book Reviewed: Julie Wainwright with Angela Mohan
Julie Wainwright had a spectacular public fall. She was the CEO of the Internet start up Pets.com. You may remember the sock puppet that they used in their advertising. Well, remembering the brand may be good, but Pets.com was in business for about a year, Julie was at the helm, and got publicly trashed for some of the moves she made. Mostly for closing down the company while they still had capital. Why would she do that? So she could live with herself! She knew that the business had NO chance to succeed because so many other internet pet companies went online in the same timeframe, and she saw that Pets.com was actually losing money on every transaction. My guess is that many of us would do the same thing and give our investors some of their investment back. But we all have recently seen the logic of Wall Street and the financial markets. Enough said!!!
At virtually the same time as the company was folding, her marriage ended when her husband not only announced that he wanted a divorce, but promptly left their home with all of his possessions. The double whammy was devastating to Julie, and she took some time to think about how her life had gotten to this point. Which gets us to the blog article that inspired this book.
As a part of the healing process, Julie wrote a blog post with the title of this book on her website . In less than a year’s time, nearly 100,000 people had read “The Five Mistakes” blog in over 156 different countries. Truly not what she expected. Many of the readers asked for the material in book form so that they could share it with friends and family. After seeing that the requests were never going to stop, Julie decided to write the book.
It is a revealing work, with Julie reliving much of what she went through and how she got to the places that allowed all of this to happen around her. The key to me is that she knew that she had to move on, pick up the pieces and reinvent herself in order to live with herself. She found that her priorities had been shaped by the needs of those around her, and that she allowed herself to lose touch with…Julie. Life events like the ones she experienced are often quite eye-opening, and having them occur in parallel caused Julie to open not only her eyes, but her brain and heart as well.
In the post to follow this one I will take quotes from Julie’s book and add my spin on her learning. I find that her experiences have great teaching value to me, and I suspect that many others can learn from her insights. I do this split because I know it would get quite long, and I do not want to post the “mother of all posts.” But as a teaser, here are the first couple:
“I had no idea, no real idea that is, that my marriage is over…Still, I don’t really believe it.”
I can relate, as I am currently living the last stages of my marriage being over, the stage involving court personnel. Somehow, you know its over but you just don’t understand its over. I never wanted it to be this way. I never wanted it to end this way. I want to start over. But none of that is going to happen, mostly because the other party has given the marriage many chances before they resort to this ending. We often get out of touch with the “us” because we are so busy doing other things: managing work projects with fierce internal intensity, dodging the bosses latest requests in our minds 24/7, worrying how we are going to have the funds to put the kids through college, worrying how we are going to have the funds to retire, etc. And all of these things can look like selfishness to our significant other, and maybe they are. But for me, they were the response to years of doing for others and going against the grain of what I thought were the right things to do in order to not rock the marital boat. I was cultivating a “joint” approach to problem solving. In my own mind. And it often ran 100% upstream from where my heart told me I should be going. If you EVER feel yourself going against the grain to the point of discomfort, I implore you to resolve the situation, either by sitting down with your significant other and hashing things out, or by getting out of the relationship. Like most other personal issues, letting it fester will only make things worse in the long run.
“I didn’t realize that when you’re older, life is different. You see the patterns in your past actions and they can actually trap you in the past because you assume that this is just how your life will always be. Sometimes, you create patterns when they aren’t there, because you’re miserable; you think you must have done something wrong, because you are in so much pain and time is running out and you can see very clearly that there won’t be that many more do-overs in your future. If any.”
Believe it! Life changes as the years pile up. How? As Julie states, the habits we pick up along the way corrupt our minds into thinking that things will ALWAYS be a certain way. You put your head into solitary confinement. You begin to imagine walls that don’t exist in the real world, but they may as well be three feet of concrete. There is no way out, and you see that you alone are responsible for this sentence. The pain in unbearable, but you are too old to get back to “GO” and get your playing piece and starting salary because that salary cannot support the life you have created and someone else has the sporty car or the guy on the horse.
The reality: the resources you need are out there. In fact, the resources you need are IN there, and have been all along! Your mind and heart are two of the most underutilized resources that many of us have. While we don’t consciously think that we have quit on ourselves, we subconsciously have given up. We resign ourselves to the little corner of the world that we currently reside in and the daily schedule that drives many of us insane. Who, exactly, imposed these limits on our lives? We did! We all have advanced degrees in wall building and confinement, of our hearts and minds. We either get comfortable with what we have or consumed by what we want, often because to aspire for more is “too hard” or because what we see our neighbors have or what is marketed on TV is way cooler than what we have. Or because the vacation we can’t afford is deserved. And so on.
Often changes like the ones that Julie went through act as a wake up call. We learn that we have infinite power to become a person other than the one we have been playing in the drama known as life. The car we have is fine. The TV we have is fine. Who are these people I share my life with? There are people who have it worse than I do? I can help them? And I really can have a different job, a different career?
Cars can be repaired. TV’s are used too often. The people you share your life with are your family and friends! They nourish you! You nourish them! You can help those who have less than you have!!! It’s called giving!! Or sharing the love!! Embrace it!! It will make you feel better!!! The knowledge to job change is out there on the Internet, and with personal coaches and with career consultants. In no way do you need to settle for what you have!
You can live a more fulfilling life!!! And it shouldn’t take your life falling completely apart for you to see that!!! You can learn from the experience of others!!!! We can take their wisdom and find a life that satisfies us to our core! It can be heartwarming to help others, and to really know our family members, and to have friends who really care about us!!!! All of these things exist when our hearts and minds are OPEN and ready to share in the abundance we all have inside of us!!!
Until Next Time and Part Two!
Julius
Julie Wainwright had a spectacular public fall. She was the CEO of the Internet start up Pets.com. You may remember the sock puppet that they used in their advertising. Well, remembering the brand may be good, but Pets.com was in business for about a year, Julie was at the helm, and got publicly trashed for some of the moves she made. Mostly for closing down the company while they still had capital. Why would she do that? So she could live with herself! She knew that the business had NO chance to succeed because so many other internet pet companies went online in the same timeframe, and she saw that Pets.com was actually losing money on every transaction. My guess is that many of us would do the same thing and give our investors some of their investment back. But we all have recently seen the logic of Wall Street and the financial markets. Enough said!!!
At virtually the same time as the company was folding, her marriage ended when her husband not only announced that he wanted a divorce, but promptly left their home with all of his possessions. The double whammy was devastating to Julie, and she took some time to think about how her life had gotten to this point. Which gets us to the blog article that inspired this book.
As a part of the healing process, Julie wrote a blog post with the title of this book on her website . In less than a year’s time, nearly 100,000 people had read “The Five Mistakes” blog in over 156 different countries. Truly not what she expected. Many of the readers asked for the material in book form so that they could share it with friends and family. After seeing that the requests were never going to stop, Julie decided to write the book.
It is a revealing work, with Julie reliving much of what she went through and how she got to the places that allowed all of this to happen around her. The key to me is that she knew that she had to move on, pick up the pieces and reinvent herself in order to live with herself. She found that her priorities had been shaped by the needs of those around her, and that she allowed herself to lose touch with…Julie. Life events like the ones she experienced are often quite eye-opening, and having them occur in parallel caused Julie to open not only her eyes, but her brain and heart as well.
In the post to follow this one I will take quotes from Julie’s book and add my spin on her learning. I find that her experiences have great teaching value to me, and I suspect that many others can learn from her insights. I do this split because I know it would get quite long, and I do not want to post the “mother of all posts.” But as a teaser, here are the first couple:
“I had no idea, no real idea that is, that my marriage is over…Still, I don’t really believe it.”
I can relate, as I am currently living the last stages of my marriage being over, the stage involving court personnel. Somehow, you know its over but you just don’t understand its over. I never wanted it to be this way. I never wanted it to end this way. I want to start over. But none of that is going to happen, mostly because the other party has given the marriage many chances before they resort to this ending. We often get out of touch with the “us” because we are so busy doing other things: managing work projects with fierce internal intensity, dodging the bosses latest requests in our minds 24/7, worrying how we are going to have the funds to put the kids through college, worrying how we are going to have the funds to retire, etc. And all of these things can look like selfishness to our significant other, and maybe they are. But for me, they were the response to years of doing for others and going against the grain of what I thought were the right things to do in order to not rock the marital boat. I was cultivating a “joint” approach to problem solving. In my own mind. And it often ran 100% upstream from where my heart told me I should be going. If you EVER feel yourself going against the grain to the point of discomfort, I implore you to resolve the situation, either by sitting down with your significant other and hashing things out, or by getting out of the relationship. Like most other personal issues, letting it fester will only make things worse in the long run.
“I didn’t realize that when you’re older, life is different. You see the patterns in your past actions and they can actually trap you in the past because you assume that this is just how your life will always be. Sometimes, you create patterns when they aren’t there, because you’re miserable; you think you must have done something wrong, because you are in so much pain and time is running out and you can see very clearly that there won’t be that many more do-overs in your future. If any.”
Believe it! Life changes as the years pile up. How? As Julie states, the habits we pick up along the way corrupt our minds into thinking that things will ALWAYS be a certain way. You put your head into solitary confinement. You begin to imagine walls that don’t exist in the real world, but they may as well be three feet of concrete. There is no way out, and you see that you alone are responsible for this sentence. The pain in unbearable, but you are too old to get back to “GO” and get your playing piece and starting salary because that salary cannot support the life you have created and someone else has the sporty car or the guy on the horse.
The reality: the resources you need are out there. In fact, the resources you need are IN there, and have been all along! Your mind and heart are two of the most underutilized resources that many of us have. While we don’t consciously think that we have quit on ourselves, we subconsciously have given up. We resign ourselves to the little corner of the world that we currently reside in and the daily schedule that drives many of us insane. Who, exactly, imposed these limits on our lives? We did! We all have advanced degrees in wall building and confinement, of our hearts and minds. We either get comfortable with what we have or consumed by what we want, often because to aspire for more is “too hard” or because what we see our neighbors have or what is marketed on TV is way cooler than what we have. Or because the vacation we can’t afford is deserved. And so on.
Often changes like the ones that Julie went through act as a wake up call. We learn that we have infinite power to become a person other than the one we have been playing in the drama known as life. The car we have is fine. The TV we have is fine. Who are these people I share my life with? There are people who have it worse than I do? I can help them? And I really can have a different job, a different career?
Cars can be repaired. TV’s are used too often. The people you share your life with are your family and friends! They nourish you! You nourish them! You can help those who have less than you have!!! It’s called giving!! Or sharing the love!! Embrace it!! It will make you feel better!!! The knowledge to job change is out there on the Internet, and with personal coaches and with career consultants. In no way do you need to settle for what you have!
You can live a more fulfilling life!!! And it shouldn’t take your life falling completely apart for you to see that!!! You can learn from the experience of others!!!! We can take their wisdom and find a life that satisfies us to our core! It can be heartwarming to help others, and to really know our family members, and to have friends who really care about us!!!! All of these things exist when our hearts and minds are OPEN and ready to share in the abundance we all have inside of us!!!
Until Next Time and Part Two!
Julius
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Surprised? No. Disappointed? YES!
I was born in raised in Cleveland, Ohio. Yes, the mistake by the lake. Where the river burned. Where the mayor lit his hair on fire. Where the local utility conned us by saying they lit the best location in the nation. So I am not surprised.
I watched Brian Sipe throw that interception on Red Right 88 instead of the touchdown pass or the short run that would have put the Browns into their first Super Bowl. I watched, way too many times now, John Elway take the Broncos 98 yards to snatch away the Browns first Super Bowl. I watched the next year in disbelief as Earnest Byner fumbled as he was entering the end zone and taking the Browns to their first Super Bowl. I had my heart ripped out by Art Modell as the Browns were moved to replace the Colts in the hearts of Baltimore sports fans. And I have watched in agony as the Browns have re-established themselves in the NFL. Tim Couch as their first draft pick. Kellen Winslow's expert motorcycle exploits. Just missing the playoffs. Then trading Winslow barely a month after getting a Winslow jersey last Christmas. So I am not surprised.
I watched the Indians grow strong in the early 1990's after being the inspiration for only the movie “Major League” for decades. The only thing the Indians of my youth were good for was supplying other clubs with All-Stars, Chris Chambliss and Craig Nettles come immediately to mind. Then the best Indians team of my life loses the chance to make the World Series to the only post-season in Major League Baseball history wiped out by a labor dispute. And then there is that World Series where they imploded at the end of game 7. And then modern economics dictated supplying a few more All-Stars to other teams. So I am not surprised.
I watched the Cavaliers begin their history with 15 consecutive losses. They had a few good players, but most of those Cav teams were forgettable. There was the Miracle of Richfield, the distant outpost where they played their games. But that stopped short of the NBA Finals. And then they got Brad Daugherty and Mark Price and Larry Nance. And then there was that shot by some guy named Jordan. Yes, you too have seen it hundreds of times. But wait, we got the King! And LeBron got us to the Finals when we had no business being there. And the Spurs kicked their butts. OK. LeBron will have other chances. Like this year, with the best record in basketball. Two four-and-outs in the first two rounds. Kobe, see you in the Finals!!! Wait, Dwight Howard, you have a team with you? So I am not surprised.
LeBron James left the arena last night in a huff. He was mad. He was disappointed. He did not want to talk to the media. Now I am surprised. And I am very disappointed. He will try to make things right with his friends. He will try to make things right with the media. He will make it right for us fans by being spectacular again next year and raising our hopes. But his actions last night are a foreshadowing. See, LeBron's contract is complete after one more season in Cleveland. He has brought us more joy than we expected, and brought it far sooner than we thought we would enjoy it. He is a once in a generation athlete. And he is all ours. For now. LeBron will go to another team where he will be a multiple championship winner and win a bunch of MVP trophies. The Cavaliers will not be good for a long time. And I will not be surprised. And I will be disappointed.
And I will still have been born and raised in Cleveland. And still waiting for the championship that I can help celebrate. See, I was 4 years old the last time Cleveland hosted a championship team. And I would like to see it again before I pass from this Earth. But I will not be surprised. And I will still be disappointed.
Until Next Time,
Julius
I watched Brian Sipe throw that interception on Red Right 88 instead of the touchdown pass or the short run that would have put the Browns into their first Super Bowl. I watched, way too many times now, John Elway take the Broncos 98 yards to snatch away the Browns first Super Bowl. I watched the next year in disbelief as Earnest Byner fumbled as he was entering the end zone and taking the Browns to their first Super Bowl. I had my heart ripped out by Art Modell as the Browns were moved to replace the Colts in the hearts of Baltimore sports fans. And I have watched in agony as the Browns have re-established themselves in the NFL. Tim Couch as their first draft pick. Kellen Winslow's expert motorcycle exploits. Just missing the playoffs. Then trading Winslow barely a month after getting a Winslow jersey last Christmas. So I am not surprised.
I watched the Indians grow strong in the early 1990's after being the inspiration for only the movie “Major League” for decades. The only thing the Indians of my youth were good for was supplying other clubs with All-Stars, Chris Chambliss and Craig Nettles come immediately to mind. Then the best Indians team of my life loses the chance to make the World Series to the only post-season in Major League Baseball history wiped out by a labor dispute. And then there is that World Series where they imploded at the end of game 7. And then modern economics dictated supplying a few more All-Stars to other teams. So I am not surprised.
I watched the Cavaliers begin their history with 15 consecutive losses. They had a few good players, but most of those Cav teams were forgettable. There was the Miracle of Richfield, the distant outpost where they played their games. But that stopped short of the NBA Finals. And then they got Brad Daugherty and Mark Price and Larry Nance. And then there was that shot by some guy named Jordan. Yes, you too have seen it hundreds of times. But wait, we got the King! And LeBron got us to the Finals when we had no business being there. And the Spurs kicked their butts. OK. LeBron will have other chances. Like this year, with the best record in basketball. Two four-and-outs in the first two rounds. Kobe, see you in the Finals!!! Wait, Dwight Howard, you have a team with you? So I am not surprised.
LeBron James left the arena last night in a huff. He was mad. He was disappointed. He did not want to talk to the media. Now I am surprised. And I am very disappointed. He will try to make things right with his friends. He will try to make things right with the media. He will make it right for us fans by being spectacular again next year and raising our hopes. But his actions last night are a foreshadowing. See, LeBron's contract is complete after one more season in Cleveland. He has brought us more joy than we expected, and brought it far sooner than we thought we would enjoy it. He is a once in a generation athlete. And he is all ours. For now. LeBron will go to another team where he will be a multiple championship winner and win a bunch of MVP trophies. The Cavaliers will not be good for a long time. And I will not be surprised. And I will be disappointed.
And I will still have been born and raised in Cleveland. And still waiting for the championship that I can help celebrate. See, I was 4 years old the last time Cleveland hosted a championship team. And I would like to see it again before I pass from this Earth. But I will not be surprised. And I will still be disappointed.
Until Next Time,
Julius
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
There IS crying…FOR baseball!!!
In deference to the famous line from “A League of Their Own” I am crying for baseball, and I want to find a way to stop my crying and restore some of the respect due America’s game. I believe there is a way to stop major leaguers from taking performance enhancing substances (PES’s), and it needs to be seriously considered before absolutely no one cares about this sport and its rich history.
I loved baseball as a child, even though I grew up in Cleveland, home of Beer Night and inspiration for the film Major League, training ground for countless All-Stars for other teams, and host for the only All-Star game used to restart a season. I could go on, but I shall spare you. I could also list the agony of growing up a Browns fan, but let’s not go there either. I would rather digress to the bigger picture.
Baseball has had its share of labor unrest. Strikes or another form of work stoppage in 1972, 1973, 1976, 1980, 1981, 1985, 1990, and 1994. Yes, those awesome 1994 Indians never had a chance to become world champions because there was no post-season.
Baseball has suffered its share of other, shall we call them, embarrassments. Pete Rose. The home run record races in 1998 (McGuire and Sosa) and 2001 (Bonds) being tainted by PES allegations. The Congressional hearings in March, 2005. Ken Caminitti. Jose Conseco, multiple times. The Mitchell Report. Balco.
While it could be argued that the labor situation needed heroes like Curt Flood, Andy Messersmith and Dave McNally to help establish free agency, it cannot be argued that we needed PES’s to tarnish the game. One can make a case that both of these situations arose from a single human flaw, common to even our current economic disaster: GREED.
Had the owners had a shred of compassion and a sense of fairness for the players, all of the strikes could have been avoided. The players union was formed for the very same reason as all unions were formed: to provide a mechanism to give workers a voice in gaining a fair wage and acceptable working conditions. Had business been a little less greedy, these disputes could have been solved without work stoppages. But many believe that “Greed is good!” Perhaps for the drive it provides in a capitalistic world, but not when it becomes THE single driver of decision making.
Bud Selig. Does anyone else’s name engender such a broad range of negative emotions? This man is being paid over $15 million per year to run Major League Baseball. Why? What is he leaving for the next generation? And we thought that George W. Bush was struggling for a legacy?!?!?! Mr. Selig is not leaving a legacy. He is leaving a tragedy! We all suspected, if not knew, that something was not right when 60 homers were being hit before Labor Day 10 or so years ago. There was proof that the ball was not hot. There was proof that the bats were not hot. Didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out! But let’s do nothing. Why? The turnstiles were humming!!! Fans were showing up in record numbers!!! Merchandise was moving!!! TV was paying big bucks for Bud’s game!!!
Then it started. The Congressional hearing. Palmeiro. McGuire. Conseco. Sosa forgetting how to speak English. Clemens. And on and on. Now the A-Rod revelations. And most recently Manny. Manny Ramirez. Not our Manny, the disciplined hitting student? Cleveland’s Manny? LA’s Manny? Yes! That Manny!!! Why?
I no longer care why!!! My hopes have been dashed for the last time. My heart has been broken too many times. I pray that the game will be clean someday. Not for me, but for the kids. The generations to come who need to know the intricate dance that is baseball. The strategy. The dance between pitcher and hitter. The reams of records. Which can no longer be compared to today’s statistics. Ooops! Still, there is no other game like it. But what can we do???
I’ll tell you what we can do!!! Remember GREED? That motivator of all men when it comes to financial matters? We need to cure greed! Greed is what makes these guys look for the edge. I have better numbers in my contract year and I get PAID!!! Well, let’s imagine that when you get caught with a positive test for PES’s your salary gets cut by 50%! That’s right, in half! And let’s imagine that in your future contracts, you can make no more than you are making after that 50% cut. Yes, the $2 million man becomes a $1 million man, but not for that year, but for the rest of his career! Will that make these guys think twice about filling the syringe and injecting themselves with this crap? Will that guy hanging on for the minimum salary risk losing half that salary? Seems to me that this has a chance at working. What do you think, Mr. Selig???
It certainly gives us something to think about. All of us who are sitting out here wondering where the next mortgage payment is going to come from because our job was downsized out of existence are thinking: “I wonder if I will ever plunk down my good money to reward a game that has so disappointed me and millions of others. Maybe I’ll get my fix at the local Little League field. What? They play soccer there now?” I wonder why???
Until Next Time!
Julius
I loved baseball as a child, even though I grew up in Cleveland, home of Beer Night and inspiration for the film Major League, training ground for countless All-Stars for other teams, and host for the only All-Star game used to restart a season. I could go on, but I shall spare you. I could also list the agony of growing up a Browns fan, but let’s not go there either. I would rather digress to the bigger picture.
Baseball has had its share of labor unrest. Strikes or another form of work stoppage in 1972, 1973, 1976, 1980, 1981, 1985, 1990, and 1994. Yes, those awesome 1994 Indians never had a chance to become world champions because there was no post-season.
Baseball has suffered its share of other, shall we call them, embarrassments. Pete Rose. The home run record races in 1998 (McGuire and Sosa) and 2001 (Bonds) being tainted by PES allegations. The Congressional hearings in March, 2005. Ken Caminitti. Jose Conseco, multiple times. The Mitchell Report. Balco.
While it could be argued that the labor situation needed heroes like Curt Flood, Andy Messersmith and Dave McNally to help establish free agency, it cannot be argued that we needed PES’s to tarnish the game. One can make a case that both of these situations arose from a single human flaw, common to even our current economic disaster: GREED.
Had the owners had a shred of compassion and a sense of fairness for the players, all of the strikes could have been avoided. The players union was formed for the very same reason as all unions were formed: to provide a mechanism to give workers a voice in gaining a fair wage and acceptable working conditions. Had business been a little less greedy, these disputes could have been solved without work stoppages. But many believe that “Greed is good!” Perhaps for the drive it provides in a capitalistic world, but not when it becomes THE single driver of decision making.
Bud Selig. Does anyone else’s name engender such a broad range of negative emotions? This man is being paid over $15 million per year to run Major League Baseball. Why? What is he leaving for the next generation? And we thought that George W. Bush was struggling for a legacy?!?!?! Mr. Selig is not leaving a legacy. He is leaving a tragedy! We all suspected, if not knew, that something was not right when 60 homers were being hit before Labor Day 10 or so years ago. There was proof that the ball was not hot. There was proof that the bats were not hot. Didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out! But let’s do nothing. Why? The turnstiles were humming!!! Fans were showing up in record numbers!!! Merchandise was moving!!! TV was paying big bucks for Bud’s game!!!
Then it started. The Congressional hearing. Palmeiro. McGuire. Conseco. Sosa forgetting how to speak English. Clemens. And on and on. Now the A-Rod revelations. And most recently Manny. Manny Ramirez. Not our Manny, the disciplined hitting student? Cleveland’s Manny? LA’s Manny? Yes! That Manny!!! Why?
I no longer care why!!! My hopes have been dashed for the last time. My heart has been broken too many times. I pray that the game will be clean someday. Not for me, but for the kids. The generations to come who need to know the intricate dance that is baseball. The strategy. The dance between pitcher and hitter. The reams of records. Which can no longer be compared to today’s statistics. Ooops! Still, there is no other game like it. But what can we do???
I’ll tell you what we can do!!! Remember GREED? That motivator of all men when it comes to financial matters? We need to cure greed! Greed is what makes these guys look for the edge. I have better numbers in my contract year and I get PAID!!! Well, let’s imagine that when you get caught with a positive test for PES’s your salary gets cut by 50%! That’s right, in half! And let’s imagine that in your future contracts, you can make no more than you are making after that 50% cut. Yes, the $2 million man becomes a $1 million man, but not for that year, but for the rest of his career! Will that make these guys think twice about filling the syringe and injecting themselves with this crap? Will that guy hanging on for the minimum salary risk losing half that salary? Seems to me that this has a chance at working. What do you think, Mr. Selig???
It certainly gives us something to think about. All of us who are sitting out here wondering where the next mortgage payment is going to come from because our job was downsized out of existence are thinking: “I wonder if I will ever plunk down my good money to reward a game that has so disappointed me and millions of others. Maybe I’ll get my fix at the local Little League field. What? They play soccer there now?” I wonder why???
Until Next Time!
Julius
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Love is All That Matters
“And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness…And God created man in his own image…And God blessed them...And God saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.”
Genesis 1: 26-31; American Standard Version (http://www.biblegateway.com)
Shouldn’t that be enough for us to be satisfied? Isn’t that a high enough standard for all of us, that God created us, and that we are very good? Where do so many of us get the idea that we are less than very good? What is the motivation to be less than very good? Near as I can tell this notion that we are less than very good is more destructive than it is motivational.
Somewhere between our birth as totally innocent beings and the moment when we finally believe that we are “very good” we are taught the notion that we are more than some people and less than others. We are more or less intelligent. We are more or less financially secure. We are more or less able to accomplish athletic tasks. We are more or less worthy of the love and respect of others.
Perhaps it is a humanization of Mother Nature’s pecking order. It is well established that among many animal species that live as groups there are identifiable animals that are the leaders, or the “alphas,” and that there are sometimes battles to establish the alpha. Being as we are descendants of the animal kingdom this should not be too surprising. This stratification appears to begin when we are very young, where some children demonstrate abilities that are superior to those of others. Reading ability. Cognitive abilities. Athletic abilities. Leadership abilities. After all, we are each a combination of different slices of genetic code, and there are an infinite number of such combinations. That we all don’t do everything equally well is not surprising.
The striking thing is that beings that were created by a loving God use this natural separation of abilities as the basis for social differentiation. We learn as children to praise and belittle others based on these natural abilities. We are taught to look up to certain people as role models. We are taught to look down upon others as bad examples. We begin to call others names, and then the names get more awful as we hear what adults call each other. So we not only inherit our genetically-granted abilities from our families, but also their standards and biases and prejudices, and their labels. Fat. Stupid. Idiot. Democrat. Republican. And all of the others that my conscious does not allow me to type.
Where is the love? The love that is best taught by the Golden Rule, and other biblical variations upon it:
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."
John 13:34; American Standard Version (http://www.biblegateway.com)
"The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'…To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices."
Mark 12:31, 33; American Standard Version (http://www.biblegateway.com)
"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."
1 John 4:12; American Standard Version (http://www.biblegateway.com)
What do we say about ourselves when we categorize those around us, those we elect to lead us, those who live in foreign lands, those who truly do not know better, with the slurs we learn from adults and the others we hold as leaders? I believe that we are telling ourselves that we do not love ourselves very much; that there are fundamental parts of our being that have not been put into place. And there are plenty of clues that this is the case. Addictive and compulsive behaviors.
At 48 years of age I have finally read and learned enough to know that the compulsions that have manifested themselves inside of me have been driven by low self-esteem, a feeling that I am not good enough, that I need to be more. They are fueled by my inability to solve my need to please other people at my own expense, to compromise to the point of compromising my values and what I know to be right. I have this overwhelming urge to please others as a means to get them to accept me. To love me. Because somewhere along the way I never learned to love myself enough to say “no:” to food, to pleasure, to relaxation, to spending money I didn’t have, to skipping exercise. And based on the obesity epidemic and the scores of those who harbor addictions, I believe that I am not the only one who has been looking for love in all the wrong places.
And where are the right places? In the 21st Century, they are everywhere! There are Internet communities that provide the support needed to help us begin to see that we are not alone, that provide the information to help us make better choices, that provide the fuel to allow us to find the courage to keep seeking answers to our individual questions, and that encourage us to continue to ask ourselves the questions that will teach us what we need to know about ourselves.
And where do you go when you need something real, something not generated by electrons shooting at a computer screen? You go watch the sun rise on a Spring morning. You watch the rejuvenation provided by a Spring rain. You seek the laughter of a child as their parent pushes them on a swing. You seek the crack of a bat at a Little League game, or the celebration after someone scores the winning goal. And you keep seeking these things when you remember those who are less fortunate than us, because it is only us, by finding and sharing the love that God provided in such abundance who can raise them up and let them know that we remember that we are all children of the same world. And all deserving of love from all available sources.
Everything that God creates is very good. His standard is the most important one in our lives. If we can remember that we are very good, and to love ourselves as such, and to share that love as often as we can, then we will begin to right our individual ships, and someday all will be well in the world.
Until Next Time,
Julius
Genesis 1: 26-31; American Standard Version (http://www.biblegateway.com)
Shouldn’t that be enough for us to be satisfied? Isn’t that a high enough standard for all of us, that God created us, and that we are very good? Where do so many of us get the idea that we are less than very good? What is the motivation to be less than very good? Near as I can tell this notion that we are less than very good is more destructive than it is motivational.
Somewhere between our birth as totally innocent beings and the moment when we finally believe that we are “very good” we are taught the notion that we are more than some people and less than others. We are more or less intelligent. We are more or less financially secure. We are more or less able to accomplish athletic tasks. We are more or less worthy of the love and respect of others.
Perhaps it is a humanization of Mother Nature’s pecking order. It is well established that among many animal species that live as groups there are identifiable animals that are the leaders, or the “alphas,” and that there are sometimes battles to establish the alpha. Being as we are descendants of the animal kingdom this should not be too surprising. This stratification appears to begin when we are very young, where some children demonstrate abilities that are superior to those of others. Reading ability. Cognitive abilities. Athletic abilities. Leadership abilities. After all, we are each a combination of different slices of genetic code, and there are an infinite number of such combinations. That we all don’t do everything equally well is not surprising.
The striking thing is that beings that were created by a loving God use this natural separation of abilities as the basis for social differentiation. We learn as children to praise and belittle others based on these natural abilities. We are taught to look up to certain people as role models. We are taught to look down upon others as bad examples. We begin to call others names, and then the names get more awful as we hear what adults call each other. So we not only inherit our genetically-granted abilities from our families, but also their standards and biases and prejudices, and their labels. Fat. Stupid. Idiot. Democrat. Republican. And all of the others that my conscious does not allow me to type.
Where is the love? The love that is best taught by the Golden Rule, and other biblical variations upon it:
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."
John 13:34; American Standard Version (http://www.biblegateway.com)
"The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'…To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices."
Mark 12:31, 33; American Standard Version (http://www.biblegateway.com)
"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."
1 John 4:12; American Standard Version (http://www.biblegateway.com)
What do we say about ourselves when we categorize those around us, those we elect to lead us, those who live in foreign lands, those who truly do not know better, with the slurs we learn from adults and the others we hold as leaders? I believe that we are telling ourselves that we do not love ourselves very much; that there are fundamental parts of our being that have not been put into place. And there are plenty of clues that this is the case. Addictive and compulsive behaviors.
At 48 years of age I have finally read and learned enough to know that the compulsions that have manifested themselves inside of me have been driven by low self-esteem, a feeling that I am not good enough, that I need to be more. They are fueled by my inability to solve my need to please other people at my own expense, to compromise to the point of compromising my values and what I know to be right. I have this overwhelming urge to please others as a means to get them to accept me. To love me. Because somewhere along the way I never learned to love myself enough to say “no:” to food, to pleasure, to relaxation, to spending money I didn’t have, to skipping exercise. And based on the obesity epidemic and the scores of those who harbor addictions, I believe that I am not the only one who has been looking for love in all the wrong places.
And where are the right places? In the 21st Century, they are everywhere! There are Internet communities that provide the support needed to help us begin to see that we are not alone, that provide the information to help us make better choices, that provide the fuel to allow us to find the courage to keep seeking answers to our individual questions, and that encourage us to continue to ask ourselves the questions that will teach us what we need to know about ourselves.
And where do you go when you need something real, something not generated by electrons shooting at a computer screen? You go watch the sun rise on a Spring morning. You watch the rejuvenation provided by a Spring rain. You seek the laughter of a child as their parent pushes them on a swing. You seek the crack of a bat at a Little League game, or the celebration after someone scores the winning goal. And you keep seeking these things when you remember those who are less fortunate than us, because it is only us, by finding and sharing the love that God provided in such abundance who can raise them up and let them know that we remember that we are all children of the same world. And all deserving of love from all available sources.
Everything that God creates is very good. His standard is the most important one in our lives. If we can remember that we are very good, and to love ourselves as such, and to share that love as often as we can, then we will begin to right our individual ships, and someday all will be well in the world.
Until Next Time,
Julius
Friday, May 22, 2009
What is Marriage Supposed To Be?
The upcoming formal end of my marriage has had me going through the classic stages of loss and grieving, and doing a lot of thinking about what went wrong. Then today I come across a post on a personal improvement website that I frequent about a member who was chucking it all because his wife didn’t like the time he spent there. Prior to dispensing any words of wisdom, I found a subsequent post that he and his wife were back, and it brought back some old memories from my marriage.
Not having been in any serious relationships prior to meeting my wife probably left me naïve as to the interpersonal skills needed to negotiate such a committed relationship. I learned much more about myself over the last 17 years than I did about my wife, and it is going to change the way I behave as I move forward in the world. The way I behave as a single person, and the way I behave if I ever have another significant other, which right now is the last thing I want! It’s not that it was so bad, or has to be bad, it’s that I have a lot of work to do to get me where I need to be for the 5 children that I now have to father from a distance, and where I need to get to in order to be the me I want the world to get to know.
Let me start here: I believe that marriage is not so much a dedication to each other, but a commitment to the shared person that marriage creates, a celebration of the yin and the yang, the creation of a complete being who is more than the simple sum of the two people being joined. There does need to be a realization by both parties that each participant is a person, with characteristics and flaws that make them the individual they are, the person who attracted the other. And each person has thoughts, and feelings, and history, and friends, and likes, and dislikes, and so on, that are uniquely theirs. And the complete being formed through marriage must respect, if not embrace, these traits as just as important as those of the shared person. If either party’s characteristics become more important than the other, many negative feelings will be generated, and the union will suffer.
How do I know? I lived it. Not that I was the perfect partner. Not that I will ever be the perfect partner. That being said, I do have a concept of what unconditional love is, and it is what I tried to practice over the past 17 years of my life, and always will. A part of me still loves my wife and always will. I accept her flaws and her history and her misgivings about what she did before I met her just as I accepted all of her positives. And there are many times that I do not know how I will live without her. There are also the times I resent her for asking me to give up friends she didn’t like, female associates that she was suspicious of, interests that didn’t mesh well with hers, telling me what was wrong with my family and my upbringing, and my point of view, and my questions. And I get angry at myself for doing all of those things, and more, that were inconsistent with who I was, who I am, what I wanted my shared life to be about, where I wanted to go with her by my side. Places I will have to go alone, or with someone else. And I will probably think of her, at least once in a while.
I have a sense that many a divorced person could have written the previous words. Why do so many people expect their significant others to give up their lives so completely in order to have a shared life in their personal vision? Why are so many so willing to give up everything they have become through their own trials and tribulations? Are we all so scared to be alone? Are we really that conflict averse? Are we afraid of what a true sharing of ideals and values and thoughts can give us? Or the benefits of a little arguing? Do so few of us see this model in our parents that we do not know how to gain it for ourselves? And what does this kind of relationship teach our children? What hope can we have for them to have more fulfilling relationships when all they see is one or the other partner sacrifice so much to keep the other partner “happy?” How does one break this cycle and allow their children to have better relationships than they have had?
I am a chemist by training, so the following excursion into genetics will be with some trepidation, but here goes: I think that the whole idea of hybrids in genetics is to take the desirable properties of one seed line and merge it with the desired characteristics of another to produce better fruit than either of the original seed lines. Many of these experiments don’t work out, but many do. Is there a way of teaching our children that marriage is much like the desirable hybrid, where the two sets of characteristics are merged to produce a superior relationship? We as people should never compromise everything that makes us unique, but we do need to be prepared to give up that part of ourselves that would compromise the union we so desperately crave. There is a humility, an openness, a vulnerability that two people share to become an example to their children. The intimacy that is created when everything is right is the sacred union that is the quest of each of us. It is nirvana, heaven on earth.
Then why do so many of us choose to impose our individual personal hells on one another in the name of marriage? How do we learn to play nice and not just pick up our ball and run away? That, I believe, is one of the secrets of life that not many of us ever get to experience. For when we do have it, maybe we won’t know what else to seek. Living in nirvana is a problem I would love to have.
Until Next Time,
Julius
Not having been in any serious relationships prior to meeting my wife probably left me naïve as to the interpersonal skills needed to negotiate such a committed relationship. I learned much more about myself over the last 17 years than I did about my wife, and it is going to change the way I behave as I move forward in the world. The way I behave as a single person, and the way I behave if I ever have another significant other, which right now is the last thing I want! It’s not that it was so bad, or has to be bad, it’s that I have a lot of work to do to get me where I need to be for the 5 children that I now have to father from a distance, and where I need to get to in order to be the me I want the world to get to know.
Let me start here: I believe that marriage is not so much a dedication to each other, but a commitment to the shared person that marriage creates, a celebration of the yin and the yang, the creation of a complete being who is more than the simple sum of the two people being joined. There does need to be a realization by both parties that each participant is a person, with characteristics and flaws that make them the individual they are, the person who attracted the other. And each person has thoughts, and feelings, and history, and friends, and likes, and dislikes, and so on, that are uniquely theirs. And the complete being formed through marriage must respect, if not embrace, these traits as just as important as those of the shared person. If either party’s characteristics become more important than the other, many negative feelings will be generated, and the union will suffer.
How do I know? I lived it. Not that I was the perfect partner. Not that I will ever be the perfect partner. That being said, I do have a concept of what unconditional love is, and it is what I tried to practice over the past 17 years of my life, and always will. A part of me still loves my wife and always will. I accept her flaws and her history and her misgivings about what she did before I met her just as I accepted all of her positives. And there are many times that I do not know how I will live without her. There are also the times I resent her for asking me to give up friends she didn’t like, female associates that she was suspicious of, interests that didn’t mesh well with hers, telling me what was wrong with my family and my upbringing, and my point of view, and my questions. And I get angry at myself for doing all of those things, and more, that were inconsistent with who I was, who I am, what I wanted my shared life to be about, where I wanted to go with her by my side. Places I will have to go alone, or with someone else. And I will probably think of her, at least once in a while.
I have a sense that many a divorced person could have written the previous words. Why do so many people expect their significant others to give up their lives so completely in order to have a shared life in their personal vision? Why are so many so willing to give up everything they have become through their own trials and tribulations? Are we all so scared to be alone? Are we really that conflict averse? Are we afraid of what a true sharing of ideals and values and thoughts can give us? Or the benefits of a little arguing? Do so few of us see this model in our parents that we do not know how to gain it for ourselves? And what does this kind of relationship teach our children? What hope can we have for them to have more fulfilling relationships when all they see is one or the other partner sacrifice so much to keep the other partner “happy?” How does one break this cycle and allow their children to have better relationships than they have had?
I am a chemist by training, so the following excursion into genetics will be with some trepidation, but here goes: I think that the whole idea of hybrids in genetics is to take the desirable properties of one seed line and merge it with the desired characteristics of another to produce better fruit than either of the original seed lines. Many of these experiments don’t work out, but many do. Is there a way of teaching our children that marriage is much like the desirable hybrid, where the two sets of characteristics are merged to produce a superior relationship? We as people should never compromise everything that makes us unique, but we do need to be prepared to give up that part of ourselves that would compromise the union we so desperately crave. There is a humility, an openness, a vulnerability that two people share to become an example to their children. The intimacy that is created when everything is right is the sacred union that is the quest of each of us. It is nirvana, heaven on earth.
Then why do so many of us choose to impose our individual personal hells on one another in the name of marriage? How do we learn to play nice and not just pick up our ball and run away? That, I believe, is one of the secrets of life that not many of us ever get to experience. For when we do have it, maybe we won’t know what else to seek. Living in nirvana is a problem I would love to have.
Until Next Time,
Julius
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